I’ve had three days home without any work and I’m surprised at how fast they fly by. People always said to me, “I don’t know how you do it,” whenever I told them I homeschool. Now, that I’ve tried it their way, I don’t know how they do it. Rush to get up and ready. Rush to get out the door. Rush to get them to school. Then, if you blink, it’s time to pick them up. Rush to meet the bus. Rush to do the errands while you’re in town. Rush to all of the activities: volleyball and guitar lessons and school pageants and sports events. All the while, I haven’t connected to my kids and they feel farther and farther away all the time.
There is a longing to pull them into a hug and hold them close. Yet, even when I do this, there is no answer for the fact that the majority of their world doesn’t involve me. The majority of their world involves kids, school work, recess, and bus rides. The majority of their focus is elsewhere and out there. It scares me a great deal. I feel like I’m losing them.
Yet, the situation requires wisdom and restraint. If I were to yank them when they’re enjoying themselves, will they come to resent homeschooling and me? This would be a worse alternative than not being a part of their lives. I would rather be absent than resented. Somehow, I must be patient. Let them finish this. Let them try it. There’s enough instability in their lives right now. Let something stay the same for now.
In the meantime, I’m working on a novel, sending off queries for magazine articles, and building a website. Launching a freelance writing business has a lot of front work involved. There’s a great deal of rejections to weather, many rabbit trails and frustrating detours to wander, and the overwhelming dread that the wolf will arrive at the door before the house is complete.
I still apply for teaching jobs. I feel I must do my due diligence to get a job in the day-job arena. But there’s a fatalistic feel about the whole thing. Next year, the buzz around here is more cuts – which means there will be even more people competing for the jobs I seek.
I wonder if selling the art of communication is in more demand and the market less glutted? I doubt it. There are probably far more wannabe writers than wannabe teachers. I mean it’s kind of a no-brainer. Hmmm… go to school and get treated like crap by a bunch of kids or stay home in your sweats and pour out your feelings on the computer? Which would I rather do? Yeah … that’s a tough one.
But being a writer isn’t an easy road either. You don’t get paid for trying.
Just the same, I know this. It’s what I want to do. I want to be my own boss. I want to work my own hours. I want to work from home. These things I know.
So when all is lost, financially that is, why not put my efforts toward what I want? Just wondering.