Yesterday, Heather offered me the chance at Stein’s Pillar once again. Last time, we were blocked by the snow. This time, however, Stein’s Pillar Trail delivered. The hike offered a variety of sun and shade, uphills and downhills, lovely viewpoints and climbing opportunities, and a wide variety of trees, forest and desert flowers and vegetation.

Afterwards, we had a lovely barbecue with some friends, eating strawberries out of their strawberry patch and drinking peach tea. Such hospitality makes the slow days of waiting pass more quickly and staves off the urge to cry.

Tonight, Robin offered dinner and a girls’ movie night, which I accepted. I just can’t stand to be here anymore. Today, I tried to work, listlessly boxing things up, fighting a headache that usually is triggered by stressful work. I find myself moving more and more slowly, holding back the urge to scream, to break down, to tear at my hair … knowing that I can do none of these things in front of my children. I must be brave for them. Really, there is no real need for emotional reactions. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.

Though the lawyer recommended that I not leave on vacation during this time, I’ve decided I’m willing to risk it. I don’t think I can handle staying any longer. I thought through the consequences of the bank changing my locks and thought … I don’t care. I’d set the place on fire myself if it wouldn’t mean jail time. My patience is at an end. I’m visiting my grandparents.

I’m developing a sort of writer’s block in that I can think of nothing to write about that is positive, and since I often caution my children to shut their little mouths if they don’t have anything nice to say, I feel compelled to stay mostly silent.

There is this for which to be thankful: Paul returns a little sooner than expected and I don’t think I’ve ever longed for him more. Once he’s here, I feel all will be solved. Of course, rationally, I know that not to be true, but emotionally, everything hangs upon his getting home.

So, I’ve chosen a rather angry, reckless path but it is what it is. Choosing safe hasn’t always proven itself to pay.

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