I don’t have much to say. I’m starting a new job. I’m managing the homeschooling of our four daughters.
I’m trying to be strong for a husband frustrated with his life in the world.
His little brother committed suicide a few days ago.
We are all stunned. It can’t be true. Where did Lil’ John go?
I feel tired. And very sad. And small. And irrelevant.
Sometimes life feels so … absurd.
I can’t even believe the stupid, pointless thoughts which run through my head.
There was once a time when people held a cohesive set of values and people could find meaning in the world. I would have been successful in such a world.
But I live in a world where no one agrees upon anything and we’re all okay with it. There is no form to work with. Life is void and without meaning.
I have to dig very, very deep to discover what matters.
It takes so much time.
And my beliefs must stand alone without the bolstering of a common culture, either to condemn or affirm who I am.
This too, shall fall or be abandoned. It is a tower of Babel — everyone affirming each other in their isolation.
We speak different languages — not just in the world or in regions, but within families and within ourselves.
Obviously, I am very low.
I am angry and I’m not sure why.
My gut says just one thing, don’t give up.
So I won’t. I’ll keep on. I’ll walk in faith that every small choice matters. I’ll believe I count.
I may not know what will come of it. But I must trust something will.
I’ll keep on, though I don’t know why.
Because I must. Because it matters.
Perhaps these are the years before.
If anything confirms we matter in the vast universe, it is an untimely death, for the hole is so utterly visible when he is gone. He didn’t think he mattered.
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